"Due to so many young people dropping out from school, rate of unemployment is going up and it affects our society in different ways. In your opinion, how can this situation be improved?"
Essay:In today's world, lots of young people are leaving school before they finish. This causes the number of people without jobs to increase. This is a big problem for our society. But there are things we can do to make it better.
Firstly, we need to find out why young people are leaving school. Maybe they're struggling with their studies. Or maybe they feel like school isn't useful for them. By understanding the reasons, we can help them better. Schools can offer extra support to students who are finding it hard. They can also provide more practical lessons that show how what they learn in school relates to real life.
Secondly, we should create more opportunities for young people to learn skills that can help them find jobs. This could be through apprenticeships or vocational training programs. These programs teach practical skills that employers look for. By giving young people these opportunities, we can help them get jobs and reduce unemployment.
Thirdly, we need to improve the connection between schools and the job market. Schools should work closely with local businesses to understand what skills are needed in the workforce. They can then adjust their curriculum to teach these skills. This way, students will be better prepared for the job market when they finish school.
Lastly, we should provide more support for young people who are already out of school and unemployed. This could be through job training programs or career counseling services. By giving them the support they need, we can help them find jobs and contribute positively to society.
In conclusion, the problem of young people leaving school and increasing unemployment can be addressed through a combination of understanding the reasons behind school dropout, providing skill-building opportunities, improving the connection between education and the job market, and offering support for those who are already unemployed. By working together, we can create a brighter future for our society.
Overall Band Score
5.0 - Lexical Resource
6.5 - Task Response
9.0 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
How to improve your band score?
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 7.5
Lexical Resource Feedback - 7.5
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 9.0
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: The use of "to" is incorrect. It should be "This causes the number of people without jobs to increase."
Correction: This causes the number of unemployed people to increase.
Explanation: The original sentence has a grammatical error in using "the number of people without jobs" instead of "unemployed people."
Sentence: "By understanding the reasons, we can help them better."
Error Type: Lexical Resource
Error: The word "better" is not appropriate here. It should be "more effectively."
Correction: By understanding the reasons, we can help them more effectively.
Explanation: The word "better" does not convey the intended meaning in this context.
Sentence: "They can also provide more practical lessons that show how what they learn in school relates to real life."
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion
Error: Awkward phrasing and lack of clarity.
Correction: They can also provide more practical lessons that demonstrate how what they learn in school is applicable to real life.
Explanation: The original sentence lacks coherence and cohesion due to awkward phrasing.
Overall, your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas. However, there are some errors in grammar, vocabulary usage, and coherence that need to be addressed for improved clarity and accuracy.
Improved Rewritten Essay using Your Ideas
In contemporary society, a significant number of young individuals are prematurely discontinuing their education, leading to a surge in the unemployment rate. This trend has far-reaching implications for our community. However, there are proactive measures that can be taken to ameliorate this situation.
To begin with, it is imperative to ascertain the underlying causes of early school dropout among young people. It is plausible that they encounter academic challenges or perceive the educational system as irrelevant to their aspirations. By gaining insights into these reasons, targeted assistance can be provided to struggling students. Schools can offer additional support and guidance to those facing academic difficulties and introduce more pragmatic subjects that demonstrate the practical applications of classroom learning in real-world scenarios.
Furthermore, there is a pressing need to expand avenues for young individuals to acquire skills that are conducive to employment opportunities. This could be achieved through apprenticeship programs and vocational training initiatives. Such programs impart hands-on skills that are highly sought after by employers. By affording young people these opportunities, we can facilitate their entry into the workforce and mitigate the issue of unemployment.
Moreover, fostering stronger linkages between educational institutions and the job market is paramount. Collaboration between schools and local businesses is essential for comprehending the skill sets demanded by employers. Consequently, educational curricula can be tailored to incorporate these requisite skills, equipping students with competencies aligned with industry needs. This strategic alignment will better prepare students for successful integration into the workforce upon completion of their studies.
Lastly, concerted efforts should be directed towards providing comprehensive support for young individuals who have already exited the education system and are grappling with unemployment. Initiatives such as job training programs and career counseling services can play a pivotal role in empowering them with the necessary tools to secure gainful employment and make positive contributions to society.
In conclusion, addressing the issue of early school dropout among youth and its correlation with escalating unemployment necessitates a multifaceted approach encompassing an understanding of causative factors, provision of skill-building opportunities, enhancement of educational-industry linkages, and facilitation of support mechanisms for unemployed youth. Through collaborative endeavors, we can pave the way for a brighter future for our society.
Improved Sentences
- Original: Maybe they're struggling with their studies.
Improved: It is plausible that they encounter academic challenges or perceive the educational system as irrelevant to their aspirations.
Reason: The improved sentence uses sophisticated vocabulary (plausible) and provides a more detailed explanation of why students may struggle in school. - Original: Secondly, we should create more opportunities for young people to learn skills that can help them find jobs.
Improved: Furthermore, there is a pressing need to expand avenues for young individuals to acquire skills that are conducive to employment opportunities.
Reason: The improved sentence uses sophisticated vocabulary (conducive) and provides a more formal expression of creating opportunities for skill acquisition. - Original: Lastly, we should provide more support for young people who are already out of school and unemployed.
Improved: Lastly, concerted efforts should be directed towards providing comprehensive support for young individuals who have already exited the education system and are grappling with unemployment.
Suggested better vocabulary
- contemporary society
- prominent proportion
- surge
- far-reaching implications
- multifaceted approach
- encompassing
- necessitates
- aforementioned
- targeted assistance
- struggling students
- gainful employment
- pivotal role